I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
