Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize