Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
