if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
