Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
