There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
