She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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