when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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