i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
