It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
