I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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