it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
