A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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