I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
