Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
