Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
