the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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