i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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