Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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