i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
