i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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