Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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