How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
