I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
