I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
