just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
