he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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