One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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