her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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