Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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