Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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