He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
