i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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