Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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