i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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