Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
