Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
