He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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