I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
