I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
