I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
