Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
