Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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