So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
