Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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