so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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