He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
