Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
