Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
