Cold hands, warm shart.
People in love make me want to vomit
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
