I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
