I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
