It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
