Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
That reminds me...we need to get swords
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
