exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
