remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
zippers are such a cool invention
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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