i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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