I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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