come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
